Sweet Intoxication of Brandy.

Monday, August 18, 2008

slow slow @ 11:26 PM

Time have been moving slowly for me and I am feeling bored. I am stuck at my aunt home for days. The longest distance i travelled was from my aunt's place to compass point. That's not too far and i cannot believe that i need to breathe quite hard at times due to walking.
Felt worst due to the fact that my recovery seems slow. I still cannot sleep on the sides, i wake up still trying to catch my breath and my chest still feel tight at times.

I want to get well.....I want to get well....

Saturday, August 09, 2008

when the broken get mends @ 7:35 PM

On the fateful day of 30Th July, i was brought to seek an audience with a painful experience. After some relative simple jogs and pit stops, i reached the destined place - the central mall. There after drinking some ribena, i suffered some chest pain and felt breathless. (I do not think the drink cause it but i dun think i will see the drink the same way because of this bad experience.) After a 15mins that seems forever, i finally took the advice of going to the doctor.

David and Gerald accompanied me all the way to SGH A&E. Gerald especially stayed till 12am and very gentlemanly loan me some cash for the payment. (In the end, the payment did not come from the money, which i need to return him soon before he start charging me interest... lol)

At first the doctor told me it wasn't serious, it is minor. 'Aspiration' was done to remove the air. A syringe went through and try to suck out the air pump by pump. After 20odd pumps, the doctor said 'It is like an underwater world there'. I think she isn't talking about any sight but the pressure is really high. So i was told that i need to be observed for 6hrs and it will be decided then whats the next step.

At 4am, when i was roused from my slumber, i was only notified of a news that i guess be coming. The air leak didn't go away, i needed something more. They did a bigger procedure for me this time than 'aspiration'. They needed a chest tube to drain out the air and hopefully my lungs will heal itself.

It is extremely painful because it is just a local anesthetic. I was conscious to witness the cut, the poking of a tube into my chest wall, the sewing and everything else. I was only thankful that the first time they did it, i didn't know how much of pain it will be...

Two days later, they told me that they will be removing the tube, and i maybe going home. I was really excited and happy. But this is extremely short lived, my 5Th (maybe more since i lost count) X ray show that the problem recur. I was not to be given a way out of the nightmare so easily. The same night my condition needs the chest tube to be inserted again. A new spot this time. I was sad and frustrated plus a little scared. This time was faster, I told the doctor he is better at it than the doctor from the first time, he said maybe i am just more prepared. Either way i am still weak, sad but relieved.

The next day, i was informed that a surgeon has been arranged to meet me and explain to me about the surgery. The truth is i just want him to tell me i am suitable for the op. The surgeon only came 1 day later, and he just asked me some simple questions and he said sure, we will do it and we will take him.

At that moment, beside feeling a little happy that i may finally be able to get out of the hospital, i was also a little scared of the operation. But i told myself that i must do it and i will survive. On the 5Th of august, i was push to the operating theatre and put to sleep. They cut a bit of my lung which they suspect where the leak was(i wondered how it looked), spread talc over my lungs and cause it to inflame which is part of the treatment. And when i woke up the op was done, it was OK and i was weak with a new tube inside my chest because the old one was removed for fear of contamination. That day i was just giving myself morphine shots. Did i feel high? No.. i felt pain.. And i took almost 30ml of morphine on that day. But i pulled through. The worst was the breathlessness, i was afraid that once i sleep i can't wake up. It was by far more terrifying that the operation.

Fortunately as time go by, i grew stronger and though i still feel pain and still little short of breath, I am discharged on national day 2008. Maybe next time, national day will mean a little more than just the birthday of the nation that i called home.

With a 10% chance the same thing will happen to my right lung and a less than 5% chance it will happen to my left, i just hope i will not get another lapse and i will be free from this scare forever.

Wish me luck.. Wish me luck..

I hope this is one of the things though broken, can be mend.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

life n live @ 9:01 PM

its a very weird thing to blog in my bed in a hospital ward. the knowledge that the bed is my is even more scary and terrifying.

pneumothorax - the condition I'm having now.

been in a ward for days. had a chest tube in my lungs for 3 times. In the same span i had a operation in my left lung to mend up my little hole.

Really really scary to know one can just live so short and die so easy. Its almost an awakening to realise there is really so much to do and so little precious time we have.

I am still in hospital, trying my best to live. Throughout my time here, i have spent some time to remember what my past relationship is about. There are happy times and there are sad. But they are all valuable memories i will learn to appreciate. And these lovely ladies are a beautiful part of my life. They shared their care their love and their time with a not so special boy like me. I got to feel honoured and i want to thank all of them for everything they have done.

But when i was pushed into the operating theatre my mind was not on my most recent ex or any of my previous ones. My mind is on some one else. Maybe i should chase her, once I'm well. Maybe i will do that.